"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." --Author Unknown Within marriage, and relationships generally, the notion that men should be in charge predominates. This is especially the case in non-western cultures such as Japan. But is this the natural order of things? Is it the best arrangement for those concerned? Certainly, when it comes to brute strength, earning potential, and innate aggressive tendencies, it is the man that holds the high cards. Women, on the other hand, are the more rational, civilized, organized, intelligent, protective and attractive gender. But women have one power that men respect most: erotic power. What if you could get your husband to hug and kiss you at every opportunity? What if you could get him to bring you flowers and take you out to dinner without a special occasion? What if you could get him to communicate meaningfully with you and to open up emotionally? What if you could get him to do the household chores? Not just taking out the trash and mowing the lawn but washing the dishes and the laundry, cooking dinner, and cleaning the house. What if you could have all these things and better sex than before? And what if, after all that, your husband was happier and more faithful than ever? In this essay I will outline how you can influence your husband and shape your marriage. But you must start by changing yourself. Female Sensuality For time eternity, society has feared the sensual woman. A sensual woman regards sex as for her enjoyment as well as the man's. Some cultures even go so far as to circumcise women rendering them incapable of enjoying sex. This barbaric practice is but an extreme. In virtually every culture, women are taught from birth that sex is something that a man does to a woman for his own pleasure and for procreation, that the woman's role in sex in marriage is to answer the call of duty. It is little wonder, then, that so many women have difficulty achieving orgasm while some never do. There simply is no physiological reason why you should not enjoy sex as much as, if not more than, your husband. You must begin by overcoming your own fear of your sensuality. I recommend these books: * For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality * Love Your Looks: How to Stop Criticizing and Start Appreciating Your Appearance * The Sexually Satisfied Woman: The 5-Step Program for Getting Everything You Want in Bed * Unleashing the Sex Goddess in Every Woman * Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?: A Women's Guide to Revitalizing Her Natural Sex Drive Read each of these books and do the exercises as directed. Do this even if you already consider yourself to be comfortable with sex. You might be surprised at what you have to learn. These books will teach you how to become comfortable with your own body and how to share that new comfort with your husband. By the time you are finished, you should feel comfortable pleasuring yourself in private. You should also be confident telling your husband what pleases you in bed. (If you really want to put a tiger in your tank, try Vigorex Femme(tm) for Women.) In spite of cultural mores, few husbands can resist a wife's newfound interest in sex. Not only will you improve your enjoyment of sex but, in fact, your husband will almost invariably take pride in the satisfaction that he gives you in bed. The reason society fears the sensual female is precisely because men are only too eager to please a woman. Let your husband know when he is satisfying you. Let him take pride in his newfound sexual prowess. Taking Charge of Sex According to a survey published in 1991, 91% of men, and 98% of men 30-54, not only want their partners to take a more active role in sexual play, they wished their partners to choose the position, place, and procedure. That's an amazing statistic given conventional practices. But, in fact, this is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. It's important to understand that men are almost always in the mood for sex. And men don't fail to have orgasms. Men orgasm as a matter of course. It simply makes no sense for the man to decide when and how sex occurs. The problem is that while a husband may genuinely seek to satisfy his wife sexually, his natural, innate tendency is to achieve his primal goal, consummation of intercourse, with a minimal expenditure of energy. After all, that's precisely what evolution has bred him to do, that's how the male of the species maximizes its genetic contribution. Clearly these goals are in conflict and more often than not, in the passion of making love, it is the primal instincts which win out. He doesn't mean to be this way, but he is. It's your job to help him overcome his natural tendencies and become a better husband. The next step, then, is to take charge of sex. This entails training your husband that sex is for your benefit, not his. It is not the case that he is no longer to be allowed to enjoy sex. On the contrary, you will find that under the new arrangement he will be more excited and satisfied than ever. It is simply that men want to please women in bed and that when sex is directed at your satisfaction, your man will inevitably be satisfied as well. The rule you want to establish is simply this: sex happens when you want it to happen. You do not have sex simply because your husband is aroused. You do have sex whenever you are in the mood for it. Depending on your situation, you might propose this arrangement directly. It may happen, though, that your husband will not naturally take to this arrangement. In that case it is probably better to ease into the arrangement gradually. To ease into this arrangement, you need to do two things: * Discourage your husband from initiating sex, and * Encourage your husband to respond to your initiation of sex. To accomplish the first, you must avoid all appearance of enthusiasm whenever your husband initiates sex. You can say you "have a headache" or you can go along but stare impatiently at the ceiling or at your nails. Don't help him with suggestions as to what you desire but lay quietly and passively. And under no circumstances should you allow yourself to reach orgasm when your husband has initiated sex. At the same time, you must begin to initiate sex yourself. You can initiate sex subtly or directly. You might tease his crotch or put on lingerie. Or you might simply say, "I want you to make love to me tonight." Or just proceed to make love to him. In any case, when you have initiated sex you must allow your husband to satisfy you completely and entirely as discussed above. You must express your passion without inhibition. Moan and scream with pleasure at his touch. Freely direct your husband as to what pleases you most. Don't be afraid to tell him that you prefer this position or that. Or that you prefer that he perform oral sex on you. Don't be afraid to just take over altogether. Men are slow creatures but eventually he will catch on. He will learn that when he initiates sex, sex is boring and degrading. He will feel impotent, figuratively and perhaps literally, at his failure to bring you satisfaction when he is in charge. He will also learn that when he responds to your initiation, sex is exciting and satisfying for both partners. It is only a matter of time before he is hanging on your every word and gesture waiting for his opportunity to satisfy you, and himself. Erotic Power What is interesting is that if your husband is like most men, his sex drive will probably increase at this point. This is a danger to which you must be alert. Your husband may feel frustrated that he has lost control over the frequency of sex. If he also prefers more frequent sex under the new arrangement, the frustration will be all the greater. You must come to the rescue. You must cede some control back to him. You do this by indicating to him what things he can do to "get you in the mood." Things that get you in the mood might include gestures such as dining out, small gifts, and flowers. But you needn't stop there. Things that get you in the mood can, and should, include such chores as washing the dishes and the laundry, cooking, or sweeping the house. And the time to make these suggestions is during foreplay. Just mention, casually, that you are in the mood for sex tonight but that you might be in the mood more often if he were to take you out occasionally or do the dishes once in a while. This is the best time because in addition to providing specific information to your husband, that his washing the dishes puts you in the mood for sex, you are also establishing a psychological link between sex and the desired behavior. We will discuss this link in detail later. You might also make these suggestions if your husband raises the issue of the frequency of sex. He might, for example, confront you with his frustrations. You should be prepared to respond with suggestions that will ease his sexual frustration. This is not the ideal time to make these suggestions but it may be necessary. It is better to head off this confrontation by making your suggestions during sexual foreplay. Once you have made such a suggestion, you must be prepared to reinforce it. When, for example, your husband does the dishes, you should initiate sex. You should not do this consistently but randomly. It is better to reinforce randomly because you do not want to bind yourself to an implicit bargain, sex for dishes. Instead, you simply want to encourage the behavior of washing the dishes by allowing that such behavior may lead to sex. Having said that, you should consistently give your husband a symbolic sexual reward. I recommend a whispered "thank you" or "good job" in his ear as you rub your hand roughly across his crotch or a similar arousing gesture. Such a gesture, consistently given, reinforces the association between the behavior and sex and therefore reinforces the behavior. By introducing suggestions during foreplay, consistently thanking him with a pat on his crotch, and randomly reinforcing the behavior with sex, you are establishing a psychological link between the behavior and sex. As the behavioral conditioning proceeds, your husband will begin to view the behavior, washing the dishes, as a form of sexual foreplay. He may, in fact, become aroused by it. It goes without saying that once your husband is becoming aroused by washing the dishes, the chore becomes its own reward. He will be eager to do the dishes because it arouses him. You can then reduce the frequency with which you reinforce the behavior with sex without harming his eagerness to do the gesture or chore. Exercise of erotic power leads naturally and inevitably to matriarchy. You should be able to train your husband to do virtually anything you want. And you'll have the most incredible sex life you can imagine. Cracking the Oyster The most universal, consistent and chronic complaint that wives have about their husbands is that their husbands are obsessed with sex to the exclusion of communication, affection, and other non-sexual interaction. We already discussed how you can train your husband to perform specific affectionate gestures such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Now we will address higher order matters of the heart. Think of your husband as an oyster, and his emotional being as the pearl. You cannot create what is not there to begin with. But you can get him to open up and reveal himself to you. Just as you trained him to perform simple gestures and chores, so must you train him to open himself up to you emotionally. There are a couple of things to consider first, though. Number one is this: Men hide their feelings because they consider them not an asset but a vulnerability. An insecure man will not open himself to you. You must build trust with him before he will open up to you. The second thing that you must keep in mind is this: While women tend to feel a sexual desire only after an emotional bond has been established, men are the opposite. Your husband will not be capable of concentrating on emotional issues until and unless he is sexually satisfied. Men need sex to open up emotionally. Or, to put it another way, a man is most likely to open up emotionally to a woman with whom he is enjoying a healthy sexual relationship. So cracking the oyster is something to be approached with a little more care. Begin by introducing conversation into sexual foreplay. Your husband, being driven to achieve consummation, will not be a very good partner in the conversation. But you must persist. If necessary, bring a halt to the sex altogether to get his attention. Only after your husband has made a genuine attempt at conversation should you proceed. As with gestures and chores, the objective is to create a positive association between conversation and sex. The next step is to engage meaningful conversations outside of sex. Again, as with gestures and chores, you want to give a symbolic sexual reward for meaningful conversation. Close the conversation with something like this, "you know, talking with you like this really feels good," or "I really feel closer to you now." As your husband loosens up in conversation, he will eventually venture to reveal himself. You must react swiftly and positively to such revelations. Of course, this can be difficult depending on what is being revealed and the circumstances of the conversation, but ideally, you should endeavor to initiate sex with him. The first few times, you should do this consistently. But as soon as you are confident that the behavior has been learned, you should pull back to random reinforcement supplemented by symbolic sexual gestures as discussed previously. Training your husband to open up emotionally is more difficult and complex than training him to bring you flowers or clean the house but with patience and love you can accomplish it. You'll find it well worth the effort. Advantages of Matriarchy When you wield erotic power to dominate your marriage, you are happier and your husband is happier. Your husband is happier because he is a hero. He comes to your rescue by doing the chores around the house and by satisfying you sexually. You are happier because you have someone to talk to and to do the chores for you and because you are finally enjoying sex with your husband. Indulge your wildest fantasies. Set yourself upon a pedestal and watch your husband worship at your feet as you lead him around by his penis. It's amazing how many aspects of your life your new power will touch. Don't Overplay Your Hand It is important, though, not to overplay your hand. You want your husband to be your knight in shining armor, not your broken slave. You must be careful to keep your dominance of the marriage in private. In particular, you must be very careful not to embarrass your husband in front of his family, friends, and co-workers. An insecure man will never consent to being dominated by his wife. He will resist you if he fears social ridicule. Once he has submitted, you do not need to press your advantage any further. His desire to please you will naturally spread to other areas of your relationship. You will find that he consults you more on financial decisions, on balancing work and family, even on his choice of friends. Everything will change for the better if you can manage to lay the foundation correctly. Other Things to Try If you find that you enjoy your new relationship with your husband, here are some other things that you can try: Ask your husband to use a vibrator to satisfy you. I recommend a Rabbit Pearl or the Eroscillator(r). Your husband gets to concentrate 100% of his attention on your pleasure without being distracted by his own. Ask your husband to give you oral sex while you read a book or watch tv. His job is to distract you from your activity. Give your husband tasks to do before sex. Tell him that before sex he must do thirty pushups or drink a liter of water or take a cold shower or eat an entire bowl of fruit. If you are not in the mood but you sense that your husband is a little frustrated, ask him to masturbate in front of you. That will relieve his tension while still maintaining your control over sex. Conclusion In a modern society, matriarchy is the most natural marital arrangement. You'll be amazed at how much happier you and your husband can be.